Say hello to the bad guy:part 2

If you want to know WHY I am the bad guy you can read part 1 here

In my last post I mentioned that I had to teach my son about choices and consequences. He made a poor decision and much to his dismay, he had to endure the consequences for those actions.

He was undoubtably wrong in choosing to defame the wall of his father. But what did he immediately do?

He blamed!

All he knew was he got in trouble, so he blamed his father for being the bad guy! His father must have wanted him to get a spanking, his father wanted him to be in time out. His father was being mean and bad by disciplining him.

The fact that he made a wrong choice was overshadowed by the consequence of it.

He forgot it was his poor judgement that put him in that place.

He FAILED to take responsibility! I know I know he’s three he has much to learn. How can we relate?

You see, it’s not enough to suffer the consequences! We won’t learn from our mistakes until we accept our part in them.

Proverbs 26:11 As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.

We all know the person that never wants to “own” up to their mistakes or shortcomings. They want to blame “The bad guy”; The cop who shouldn’t have been there, The guy for pressing them to do it, The girl who handed them the drug! We made the choice… we had to decide whether or not we wanted walk on the side of our values or not. When we chose wrong we immediately want to blame.(because it can’t be me of course).

Okay we all know that person, but let’s be honest! The reason we know that person is because we are that person. We have to take responsibility and then learn from our mistakes. Hopefully my son learned that if HE makes a poor choice it’s on him. It is because of what he did.

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When we play the blame game we never learn, when we don’t learn we keep making the same mistakes and blaming something else. Do yourself a favor! take it from me, The “bad guy”, learn to admit when you are wrong and made a mistake or made a poor choice sooner rather than later.then you will be happier like this guy!



Say hello to the bad guy?!? part 1

Yep that’s me… The bad guy! Allow me to explain…

It was a normal day… I was hanging out with my family working on a project. My son as smart as he is knows that writing on the wall=bad. So being the testy young lad that he is, having a momentary lapse in judgement, he decided it was a GOOD idea to write on the wall with a pen. I told him with all the love a father could “where’s your head son”(not a direct quote but gets the point across). After some persuasion, He then agreed with me that he would no longer write on any walls. We had a gentlemen’s agreement, if you will!

A while later the strapping young lad had a pen in his hand and his mother, in her gentle motherly way reminded him of his fathers words and not to write on the wall.

This is the point we all can relate to!
He had his pen so close to the wall and wheels were spinning! He had to make a CHOICE!

photo (3)Needless to say… he chose wrong.

He ultimately suffered the consequences and after a few minutes and tears streaming he stood up and with a hint of tears still in his eyes he looked at me and said it “Dad you’re a bad guy”.

I took him in my arms and asked him why he was in trouble and he admitted that HE made a wrong choice. I reminded him that every choice he makes has a consequence, good and bad, and if makes a choice he has to deal with those consequences and accept responsibility for them.

How many times have I held the pen?

Knowing what was right and what was wrong

Knowing that the path I choose might not end well for me

Knowingly standing in the place right next to the very wall that I never needed to be any where near.

Knowingly disregarding sound, WISE, advice to do what I know in my heart I should do.

How often do I play with a little fire and don’t get burned, It was warm sure, But I could handle it. The fire was tempting and I made it through. The little bit didn’t hurt. Convincing me I can “Handle” what God says I don’t even need.

As followers of God we accept the fact that God will always be there in the midst of the fire and often forget to Take RESPONSIBILITY at times for being in it. Sure there are circumstances beyond our control, That is not what I am talking about this time.

Maybe you are playing with Fire (or a pen) and you know you shouldn’t. You have gotten burned in the past but you think you can handle it now.

Take it from the Bad Guy, Don’t willingly choose to walk towards what God has already redeemed you from. If you and I are going to choose, Choose to walk closer to God.


When the grass clippings settle

I woke up early at 6am and hit snooze… Eventually you have to come to grip with reality that the morning is here, it’s not a dream and you get out of bed. I am just about to leave and look out my door and see my daughter. 1 year old standing in her crib, quietly looking out her door. She sees me and starts saying over and over in her adorable little baby voice, “dayya, dayya…”

Who could resist it, not a soul on earth. I pick her up and she smiles and laughs and snuggles her little head onto my shoulder. Who wakes up this joyous? I mean really? How could my day not be better already with this magnificent send off. But alas I must leave and go to work… I hear her in the background as I walk out the door… Dayya, Dayya…

I put in my last intern shift and come home at 4, with just enough time to change and run out the door to mow the lawn. As I make my front lawn pass I see a familiar little ray of sunshine standing at the front door!! She is so happy she starts dancing and I see her lips moving saying … Dayya, Dayya… I wave at her and say “HI, baby!!!” and she starts to dance more and runs away to share her excitement with someone else! I see her back again at my next pass waving and saying “hi dayya”

Eventually the lawn is mowed and I have to leave for work at 5, I come in and see my baby girl come running at me with arms wide open! She sits in my arms. She doesn’t want me to talk to her, she doesn’t want to talk to me. She just wants me to be there with her. She gets down and runs right back! I hug her again and start to leave for work. Then she starts following me with her arms open, in a frenzie, beginning to cry …Dayya, Dayya…

At this point I can’t simply walk away… My heart is literally broken as I watch her come running to me! Again she doesn’t want me to do anything… Just be there! So once I again I muster up the strength to walk out the door for work knowingly breaking my baby girls heart in the process. This time she frantically grabs her big diaper bag … “Dayya,Dayya”and tries to go out the door with me as if to say “fine if you insist on leaving where I am, I will go where you are!? Such persistence!!! I gave her a big hug and ran out the door!! Wow what a jerk I am right!

Eventually I came home at 1030 and she was awake and crying, I walked in the door scooped her tired little self up… She immediately rested her little head on my shoulder and stopped crying! I rubbed her back for a minute and laid her in her bed. She went to sleep as joyous as she woke up!

I know I missed a lot, i can literally tear up thinking about it, but in my small little moments I had with her today, I was just reminded that above anything else the most important thing I could ever give her is to just be there!!

Just be there!


Six Years

Six years is a pretty long time. Where were you six years ago compared to now? Where doIMG_0055 you hope to be in six years? Six years ago I would have imagined that now, I would about to celebrating a 10 year wedding anniversary. Today however my life is much different than I ever would have imagined. Most days I am at work then school or in the E.R. Trying to get hours knocked out to finish my paramedic schooling. Or I am at home spending time with my family. As I stood here last night I couldn’t help but feel blessed.

I know it is crazy, but I am overwhelmed with the blessings in my life right now. 6 years ago I stood in this same place in the worst shape that I hope I will ever have to be in. As I stood there yesterday, I felt no need to talk to a grave. Rach is in a much better place than that. I just reflected. I remembered where I was then and how far I have come. I thought about my wife Alyssa and what an amazing woman she is. I thought about how much I love my kids and how blessed I am to have them. I thought about my brother and sister-in-law who were pretty much there for me day in and day out after Rachael passed.

Last week I asked Alyssa the question, “what would you do if I died today?” I know I am terrible right. The truth is I am going into a field where I deal with death a lot. Not to mention losing my wife who was 22 years old. So naturally I think about it. I was sitting in class thinking about one sentence Rach told me the night she died. She looked at me and said “I don’t want to die”. I of course assured her she wouldn’t die. It made me think, what if My day was today? What if all that Taco Bell finally got the best of me and my heart said “I’m done”? My thoughts went immediately to Alyssa and my kids. I never want Allie to have to experience that sort of loss. I don’t want my kids to have to grow up without their father, who loves the mess out them.

We all don’t ever want to die although it is inevitable. We all feel invincible and like there is always tomorrow! Right? I don’t ask the question to be morbid. It’s a reminder to treat life as fragile as is. To always invest into today. We can’t predict the future, we don’t know when our time will come. All we can do is make today matter. Make sure we do our best now.

You never know where six years will bring you. Six years ago I stood in the trauma room inIMG_0061 Mount Clemens hospital with my brother as the hospital staff was doing all they could to bring her back. It’s ironic that I now go to that same hospital in that same room. Learning to take care of people that need help and being a part of those unfortunate times when there is nothing that can be done. I understand what the families are going through in those moments. I don’t however relate to the patient. I don’t know what it is like to stare death in the face and think or say the words, I don’t want to die, knowing that I may not make it. One thing I do know is that when I get to that moment I want to know that I did all that I could while I was still alive.

Live each day

No regrets

Diaper Day

Wow! It has been awhile since I have wrote on here. Time is so valuable, but I thought this was worth it.

I woke up today knowing that it was going to be me and both my babies today… all day! Allie has to work, so I am watching those little stinkers all day. I have been excited all week. Not for the crying and constant attentiveness, just for those cute little smiles and giggles. I don’t get this much time with them often. I am either at school, or work, or hospital rotations.

Let me run you a little through my day. I woke up and played a little with the two of them wishing it wasn’t before 9 am that I had to get up and start working. I say working because taking care of my kids is so much work. It is very rewarding, but like I said earlier you need to keep your eyes open, ears ready, and that baby girl out of the dog food (I failed twice already) Why does she love to eat dog food! Allie may be at work today but honestly it will probably be a break for her. She stays home everyday and tirelessly takes care of our baby kids. She doesn’t get breaks usually, and there is no “Quitting time”. I do not envy her, BUT I am so appreciative and respect what she does. If you are a mom you are truly a superhero.

So then I made breakfast because Julian was asking for “Breapust”. Hey I’m getting good at speaking toddler! We ate some eggs and I fed the baby girl. Then She sat and played with pretty much the coolest baby toy you can imagine… The cord to the coffee pot… whatever, she loved it (unplugged of course)… whilst I did the dishes and Beanie watched a show. We came in the living room and watched and played with toys for a while. Then came the dreaded time, feared by all men everywhere… diaper time. It just never ends!! You think you know, but you have no idea. I managed my way through it and got them both dressed and then Sissy was crying and Beanie was asking for “breapust” again. Being the troubleshooting aficionado that I am, I concluded that they were hungry (I know You are impressed aren’t you) hey they can’t teach this stuff in school people!  So I made some celery and PB. So like any kid would do (and adult for that matter), he licked off all the peanut butter and left the rabbit food for the rabbits. I made him eat some celery. I don’t know why it just seemed like the right thing to do. I fed sissy, gave her an Albuterol updraft, Then it’s diaper time… again! We went down on the basement because Julian was carrying his drum sticks around all day in anticipation. So while he banged on his drum kit I played with sissy on the floor.

Before long we were listening to music, singing, dancing, I was pushing them in cars. Then it happened. In the middle of 2 PA Speakers blarring obnoxiously loud music, Lexi fell asleep in my arms… (only my child!) So we went upstairs and put her down for a nap. Then Julian said to me “Monster TRUCK??!!??”  So I pulled up some Monster Jam videos on Youtube. He was loving it (hey who doesn’t), as he always does! After a while he fell asleep and I put him in his bed.

I know that they are about to wake up and then the chaos ensues. As much energy as they take, It is pretty much the best way to spend a saturday. They had tons of fun and so did I. There were tears, joy, crying and laughing. They are babies it all happens!  It is amazing to think that Lexi is almost 1yo, She keeps saying new words and will be walking so soon. They are growing up as fast as people tell me they will. I am glad I had the chance to just be with them today. Ever since Julian was a month old I would come in and sit in front of him and ask him how his day was and what he did. It is so cool to see him sit and think about it now and then give me an answer. He’s a big boy. If you read this whole thing looking for some insight at the end I don’t have it. As a parent I don’t know squat. I am learning as I go. I learn everyday. What I do have have is a sense of appreciation. Appreciate the little time you have. Appreciate the people you love. Appreciate your wife! Don’t get mad about what you don’t have, Make what you do have count.

Alright enough sentimental stuff, Im gonna get some “Breapust” im hungry!


New Morning

2012-12-25 15.33.30I woke up this morning excited… to see the look on my son’s face. It’s Christmas!! He doesn’t even totally understand what that means. To him it means that when he wakes up, His dada will be home (almost never happens) and will spend the entire day with him. I can’t help but think at times like these that Rachael was right!! She wanted kids more than anything! ME, I didn’t. Now look at me. Excited to spend the day with my awesome wild son and gorgeous little girl and amazing wife.

On a morning like this I can’t help but think about those people in Newtown. I don’t even know them. I don’t know their names. A part of me doesn’t want to know, that I way I can pretend it isn’t real. That it was all just a horrible dream. It was horrible, and for those families it was and is no dream. It is a loss I can barely fathom. I can remember waking up the next day after my wife Rachael passed away. The feelings all come back when I hear the story of Newtown. I can see the sights, remember the feelings, and hear the sounds just like it was yesterday. It is something those families and many more are experiencing this very morning. They aren’t waking up to smiles and laughter. It may seem unreal, but tears are their only comfort and sometimes are the only way to let the emotions loose.

If that is you today, Hold your head high. Celebrate the life that you had the opportunity to be a part of. no matter how long or short it was. Don’t be afraid to talk about them often, and cry if you have to. Just do it. It is all part of the process. You are stronger than you realize and because bad things happen doesn’t mean there isn’t Hope. Celebrate those that you DO still have in your life also!


If you woke up this morning and are surrounded by family and fun and laughter and love… cherish it all

  • hug a little longer
  • Cuddle a little longer
  • Stay up a little later
  • Laugh a little harder
  • Forgive and forget
  • turn off the tv and games and TALK a LOT longer

God is the only constant in this life. You never know what turns life will take tomorrow. So make today matter. My tears today are tears of joy. Tomorrow may be a new morning, with different twists and turns. All we can do is make today matter while we are still here.

Take a moment and pray for those families in Connecticut, and spend some time with those in your family that are alone this season. And never leave without letting the people you love, Know that you love them… tell them.

Merry Christmas



Here we go

Do you ever have so many things to do that You just don’t know where to start. For me, when that happens: I think through my list, take it all in, then do something else entirely. It’s crazy I know, but we all need an escape from time to time. I do something else and then look at it with fresh eyes a little later.

You might be saying how in the world would this work? Well maybe it doesn’t… exactly, but it calms me down so I can get back to business. It could be the only reason I don’t get stressed easily. As long as I am working on something else my mind can have a little escape from the madness.

Right now is one of those moments. I have much I need to work on, or could be working on, But instead I am writing. For no other reason but to clear my head. I was on the verge of Anger, Frustration, fear, Anxiety, Carelessness, Giving up, Lashing out… at myself and others! Mainly myself! So, Here goes… Continue reading