Six years is a pretty long time. Where were you six years ago compared to now? Where do you hope to be in six years? Six years ago I would have imagined that now, I would about to celebrating a 10 year wedding anniversary. Today however my life is much different than I ever would have imagined. Most days I am at work then school or in the E.R. Trying to get hours knocked out to finish my paramedic schooling. Or I am at home spending time with my family. As I stood here last night I couldn’t help but feel blessed.
I know it is crazy, but I am overwhelmed with the blessings in my life right now. 6 years ago I stood in this same place in the worst shape that I hope I will ever have to be in. As I stood there yesterday, I felt no need to talk to a grave. Rach is in a much better place than that. I just reflected. I remembered where I was then and how far I have come. I thought about my wife Alyssa and what an amazing woman she is. I thought about how much I love my kids and how blessed I am to have them. I thought about my brother and sister-in-law who were pretty much there for me day in and day out after Rachael passed.
Last week I asked Alyssa the question, “what would you do if I died today?” I know I am terrible right. The truth is I am going into a field where I deal with death a lot. Not to mention losing my wife who was 22 years old. So naturally I think about it. I was sitting in class thinking about one sentence Rach told me the night she died. She looked at me and said “I don’t want to die”. I of course assured her she wouldn’t die. It made me think, what if My day was today? What if all that Taco Bell finally got the best of me and my heart said “I’m done”? My thoughts went immediately to Alyssa and my kids. I never want Allie to have to experience that sort of loss. I don’t want my kids to have to grow up without their father, who loves the mess out them.
We all don’t ever want to die although it is inevitable. We all feel invincible and like there is always tomorrow! Right? I don’t ask the question to be morbid. It’s a reminder to treat life as fragile as is. To always invest into today. We can’t predict the future, we don’t know when our time will come. All we can do is make today matter. Make sure we do our best now.
You never know where six years will bring you. Six years ago I stood in the trauma room in Mount Clemens hospital with my brother as the hospital staff was doing all they could to bring her back. It’s ironic that I now go to that same hospital in that same room. Learning to take care of people that need help and being a part of those unfortunate times when there is nothing that can be done. I understand what the families are going through in those moments. I don’t however relate to the patient. I don’t know what it is like to stare death in the face and think or say the words, I don’t want to die, knowing that I may not make it. One thing I do know is that when I get to that moment I want to know that I did all that I could while I was still alive.
I woke up this morning excited… to see the look on my son’s face. It’s Christmas!! He doesn’t even totally understand what that means. To him it means that when he wakes up, His dada will be home (almost never happens) and will spend the entire day with him. I can’t help but think at times like these that Rachael was right!! She wanted kids more than anything! ME, I didn’t. Now look at me. Excited to spend the day with my awesome wild son and gorgeous little girl and amazing wife.
On a morning like this I can’t help but think about those people in Newtown. I don’t even know them. I don’t know their names. A part of me doesn’t want to know, that I way I can pretend it isn’t real. That it was all just a horrible dream. It was horrible, and for those families it was and is no dream. It is a loss I can barely fathom. I can remember waking up the next day after my wife Rachael passed away. The feelings all come back when I hear the story of Newtown. I can see the sights, remember the feelings, and hear the sounds just like it was yesterday. It is something those families and many more are experiencing this very morning. They aren’t waking up to smiles and laughter. It may seem unreal, but tears are their only comfort and sometimes are the only way to let the emotions loose.
If that is you today, Hold your head high. Celebrate the life that you had the opportunity to be a part of. no matter how long or short it was. Don’t be afraid to talk about them often, and cry if you have to. Just do it. It is all part of the process. You are stronger than you realize and because bad things happen doesn’t mean there isn’t Hope. Celebrate those that you DO still have in your life also!
If you woke up this morning and are surrounded by family and fun and laughter and love… cherish it all
hug a little longer
Cuddle a little longer
Stay up a little later
Laugh a little harder
Forgive and forget
turn off the tv and games and TALK a LOT longer
God is the only constant in this life. You never know what turns life will take tomorrow. So make today matter. My tears today are tears of joy. Tomorrow may be a new morning, with different twists and turns. All we can do is make today matter while we are still here.
Take a moment and pray for those families in Connecticut, and spend some time with those in your family that are alone this season. And never leave without letting the people you love, Know that you love them… tell them.
I was looking back in this blog and my (myspace) blog (yea I signed in and it was still there! shocking right?) at the things I wrote about Rach who I lost 5 years ago this night… I found these poems
April 24th, 2008Poem
inspired by life
I’ve sung Songs about believing
It’s so easy when I see the truths that I’ve been reading
You pulled out sorrow from where the root was so strong
And taught me, in your everlasting peace, I belong
You’ve placed joy in a broken and wounded heart
And showed me that God, you and I are never truly far apart
Now here I have a new start
A beginning set in motion by an all sufficient spark
the truths that youll,
never leave me,
never forsake me,
never forget me, are evident all around,
How you placed joy unmeasureable, in my soul no longer bound
now filled with a love so incredibly complete,
And with this overwhelming sense of knowing
you’ve filled my every need!
Oct 5, 2007Poem
So I am so busy lately I barely have time to think,
But the sweet thought of your carress still makes makes my heart sink,
and my eyes they still blink,
each unelloquent moment covered in the veil of uneventful rememberings, so vivid in detail as such beautiful ordain renderings,
but not only sadness to the soul it now brings,
but essential to the spirit to maintain a fondness of the incomplete,
That which was once an impassable feat,
Now feeling it acceptable to appreciate the simple and the small,
for as to the remembrance of that I most recall,
and if even in the leaves begin to turn,
in earnest deliverance my thoughts now burn,
It was only a fraction of a second as I blinked
and In that solemn moment my haert did sink,
But considered it a blessing just to think,
How beatiful You were when You were here
and How lucky I was to Hold you near!,
Questions that have been pushed dormant, not a single solitary torment, I feel at peace to know you have arrived, where I one day too will reside,If you could see me now, I think you might, have joy to know I am alright, I can feel a change I thought would never come, If only I had hid it until now, somehow I am overcome, This flooding is so unexpected and perhaps just a start of new perception, I think it was easier where I was, But time never stands still and neither can I, In life, in death, in hearts and in step, Theres always something new when you dare to move on.
Imagine with me for a moment that your whole life as you know it comes to an abrupt screeching halt. You know the feeling. You are driving in the car with someone and not really paying attention (neither is the driver) when all of a sudden… they slam on the pedal and the car(along with your body) tries to go from 50 mph to 0 instantaneously.
What happens? Your heart starts racing, Your more aware of your surroundings than you have been in a while, You thank Jesus that your alive(and whoever is in the car with you). Bottom line is You are still alive!
I was unfortunate enough to experience a situation in my life like this, head on. You know, the whole “world comes crashing down moments” you think only happens to someone else, and almost always only does. Until it happens to you. Continue reading →
With the violence that took place in Norway it has reminded me of the violent world we live in. Fortunately for many of us it never hits close to Home. I can turn on the news and hear story after story that reminds me of the dangers that are out there. That is close enough for me.
I am not saying that its time to crawl in a cave with my shotgun and shoot off the marauders. But It makes me wonder how someone can say that have recieved inspiration from the Unabomber. Really, when you think inspiration the last thing that comes to your mind should be a mass murderer. YOU can say that these are extreme and isolated incidents. Well okay… but still… Continue reading →
Exactly 8 years ago today I stood there with the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I remember the drive to the little white Chapel. Construction on the freeway made our anticipation turn to anxiety as we rushed and arrived late. The Cheesy minister said his speech he probably said a thousand times to a thousand other couples. 30 min later we were married. I am only talking about this because today would have been our 8 year anniversary.
It’s hard to remember what exactly you were doing at any given moment in the past. Unless of course it’s not… There are those times I remember exactly what I was doing. I was sitting on my couch exactly 4 years ago tonight trying to convince Rachael that my plan was a good one.
You see, she told me she wanted me to make some pictures in the house out of wood. I thought I could do it out of poster board and markers. She wasn’t convinced… Continue reading →